My healing journey: The father wound
The trauma-autoimmune disease link
Hello Thyroid Friend,
It’s a rather personal (and deep) one today. Although, no surprise there – as I am an INFJ on the Myers-Briggs personality type – so I like to go pretty deep ;). I see so many people talking about changing our diet to help us heal and feel better - but not as many talk about healing from past trauma. It is a fundamental part of the healing journey for many of us. I hope in me sharing this, it can help you, on some level, to feel seen and heard, if you too have gone through (or are going through) something similar. You’re not alone.
When my body screamed ‘no’
My body felt as if it was shutting down. It couldn’t take it anymore and was screaming at me to change. But I didn’t know how.
I started with my gut health, because I ended up having an intolerance to most foods. It was the most obvious place to start. This led me on a path of deep-diving into nutrition as well as learning about the body in the holistic sense. I managed to heal the majority of symptoms I’d had for years. But still, some remained. This is when I woke up to the fact that I was living my life in a constant state of stress. It was at this point, hitting a deep low, that I needed some help from a therapist.
Therapy opened my eyes and gave me so much clarity. It helped me to see the weight I was carrying, and the toxic family dynamic that was draining me of energy.
The trauma-autoimmune disease link
Trauma is linked to autoimmune disease. Dr Gabor Mate, family physician and expert in addiction and trauma, was one of the key teachers that awakened me to this. Trauma is something that needs to be addressed – in conjunction with all the physical elements like diet and toxins – for many of us with Hashimoto’s and autoimmune issues.
Healing childhood trauma is something that I have been on the journey of for the last 8 years. I have come to realise that healing trauma is not a quick fix and it shouldn’t be something to try and just ‘do’ in a certain timeframe. I have realised that there is a divine timing to life, and that these things don’t like being rushed. It is more of a ‘slow-and-steady-wins-the-race’ approach. Small steps each day, so as not to overwhelm the system.
For me, when tracing back and looking for answers as to why my nervous system was always in a state of fight-or-flight, and how unsafe I generally felt, enlisting the support of professional therapists helped immensely. I was able to reflect in a safe space and become aware of myself and others.
My childhood home was volatile and unpredictable. There were two parents who were mentally unwell, and refused to get help. They also triangulated their children, with my older sibling becoming their ‘flying monkey’. My parents took their unresolved trauma out on us, and my older sibling passive-aggressively directed the resentment she felt for them towards me. After all, it’s safer to direct it at the little sibling, as opposed to the big bullies whom you are dependant on for survival.
My body did its best to help me survive. I was already a sensitive soul, and on top of that I developed hyper-vigilance.
Sadly, like many others in similar situations, it developed an autoimmune disease in response to this chaotic and volatile environment I was in. I was only a child at the time.
My father wound
My father refused to take any responsibly or accountability for his thoughts, words and behaviours his whole life.
He refused to accept my letter – which I’d written from the heart – not long before he passed – my inner child wanting to be heard.
Instead, he chose to opt out of life early. He chose to be a martyr. A victim to ‘life’s circumstances’.
He wasn’t a victim. He always had a choice. He had the option to try to heal. We are in an ‘age of information’, so there is no excuse.
But healing requires effort, determination, dedication, commitment – and, above all – a strong, courageous heart.
Healing is one of the bravest things one can do.
He had a deep Mother Wound, and so naturally, as it wasn’t addressed or resolved or worked-through, he took his resentment out on the females in his life. He couldn’t punish his mother, so he punished the females in his life. It’s easy to punish and take it out on a innocent little girl who is dependant on you for survival.
As much as I can see that he had a dysfunctional childhood – and I can have compassion for that young boy he once was – this doesn’t condone his behaviour as an adult.
We all have choices. Are we going to continue the abuse and hurt that was done to us? Are we going to continue hurting people because people hurt us?
Or – are we going to proclaim –‘this ends with me’ – and actually do the work to heal it?
Are we going to at least TRY to do better? Try with every fibre of our being? Are we willing to lookout the deepest, darkest, shadowy parts of ourselves and meet them with tenderness and presence?
No one is perfect. We are all works in progress.
But what matters to me is to see someone TRYING.
Genuinely, authentically trying - with their whole heart.
Having that fire in their belly and passion in their heart to try their damnedest!
It’s not all flowers and rainbows. It’s not a linear process. It’s messy, it’s unpredictable, it’s a rollercoaster of a ride.
Conversely – giving up, becoming the victim, saying there’s ‘nothing you can do’ with your health diagnosis, whilst taking no accountability or responsibility for your behaviour, scapegoating the child that left the dysfunctional dynamic, and continuing to manipulate the family that stayed by becoming this ‘helpless victim’, further burdening the family, causing so much more pain as he refused to help himself, whilst feeding off all the attention the drama brings, pointing the blame at anyone but himself – is the antithesis of a courageous heart.
It’s cowardice.
It’s a closed heart.
Opting out, so he didn’t have to face the music.
Refusing the letter from his daughter.
If you really want to heal something, it takes a f**k tonne of work, grit and determination. And as I already said – a strong heart.
It takes ‘balls’ – to be quite frank.
Healing is not going to happen by continuing to abuse the body through alcohol, substances, shitty food, a perpetual state of resentment and bitterness, victim mentality, and trauma-bonded relations. That’s a recipe for illness right there – it doesn’t take much common sense to see.
What I’ve learned
It’s taught me so much. It’s taught me – as I said – that what really matters is that I try with all my heart. I’m never going to be perfect, but I can at least put my all into healing these wounds. I can work on myself, and look after myself – it’s the kindest thing I can do for the people around me.
When we don’t look after ourselves, we become a burden to others.
I also know that I can be the parent I needed as a child, but never had. I can re-parent myself. I can give to myself what they couldn’t.
I also know that it was never anything to do with me. It was his ‘stuff’ – his issues. It wasn’t my fault that he couldn’t see me for who I was. He couldn’t see the light in me. He was sick, and was unable to see the light. That was his burden to carry, not mine.
He cannot take anything away from me, for I am whole just as I am.
No matter how much he wished he could tear me down, I got back up every time.
I have this bright fire of passion burning within me. No matter how much he tried to stamp out my flame, it still remained.
Reclaiming our power
As I write this, I laugh, because I am a double-Leo in astrology – so much fire, passion and creativity – the sign of sovereignty – and all my life they tried to dampen my spirit. Shaming my fiery energy. Stamping it out. No wonder I was fatigued and tired all the time!!
I read somewhere, that any sense of strength you might have, will cause reactivity within a narcissistic parent. Therefore, we learn to cope by appearing submissive and shrinking ourselves. We give away our power, because it is the safest thing to do in that dynamic.
Many of us choose to mute ourselves in an attempt to stay away from danger. We blur into the background. We don’t dare speak up. We lose our voice. Isn’t it interesting that many of us go on to develop thyroid issues - which is in the throat? The throat chakra in yogic traditions is associated with communication, self expression and integrity. This chakra becomes blocked or imbalanced as a result.
It served a purpose at that time, and kept us safe. It helped us to survive. But we continue this pattern into adulthood and it ends up contaminating every area of our life. It makes us imbalanced in our mind, body and soul.
Think of the analogy of holding a beach ball underwater - picture all that force it takes to hold it down. This is us holding down our power. Holding down our unique gifts. Think about how much of our energy this depletes by holding this beachball underwater. It drains us of our energy - our vital life force.
We need energy for the body to function optimally. We need energy to heal the body. We need energy to share the unique gifts we were given. It doesn’t serve us or anyone around us to give up our power.
So imagine when you stop pushing that beachball down, and let rise to the surface. Can you feel the amount of energy that is freed when we do this? Energy to replenish and regenerate old cells. Energy to flush out toxins. Energy to make new, healthy cells.
We are here to stand fully in our power and to shine the unique light we were given.
For those of us who were in such dynamics, and are now on the path to healing, it is time for us to reclaim our power. And to remember: We were never broken. We have always been whole. And we are the ones we have been waiting for.
Much love, Dani
PS. I’d love to hear from you! Are you healing a father wound? [Hit reply to this email or share over on Substack in the comments :)]